Conflict or disagreements within friendships and romantic relationships are inevitable. It is the way we handle the conflicts that can make or break our relationships. Communication is one of the fundamental foundations to successful relationships. Whether romantic or platonic, knowing how to communicate can help with your conflict resolution skills. Throughout this reading, you will discover common habits that are holding you back from resolving conflict effectively, and more importantly, how to properly navigate disagreements so that you can cultivate long lasting relationships.
Common Defense Mechanisms
Before jumping into the proper way to resolve conflict, let's uncover some unhealthy communication patterns that may be damaging your relationships.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness can be communicated in many different manners but it ultimately is when a person denies, deflects, or justifies their reasonings for behaving the way they are. They tend to perceive feedback as criticism, triggering a defensive response. In these moments, their primary goal is self-protection, because they feel the need to shield themselves from feelings of shame, guilt, insecurity, or sadness. This reaction often stems from a deep-seated fear of being seen as inadequate, flawed, or unworthy.
When an individual becomes defensive during an argument it is because they feel like their character, intelligence, or decisions are being attacked. Over time, this defensive pattern stifles growth, as it discourages open dialogue, which ends up making it difficult for others to voice concerns or offer feedback without being met with resistance. As a result, conflicts remain unresolved, and meaningful communication becomes increasingly strained.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when a person becomes emotionally or physically unreachable during conflict. They may shut down, withdraw from the conversation, or even leave the area to avoid addressing the issue. This behavior often stems from an inability to manage difficult emotions like anger, sadness, fear, or guilt.
Feeling overwhelmed and unsure of how to navigate the situation, they choose to disengage entirely rather than work through the conflict. This may leave the opposing person feeling unheard or rejected. Meanwhile, the individual who is stonewalling may initially feel relief from avoiding the conflict but can later experience resentment or emotional exhaustion due to unresolved tension. Over time, this pattern creates a growing divide between both individuals, making genuine connection and resolution increasingly difficult.
Emotional Reactivity
Emotional reactivity is when an individual says or acts in ways that are characterized as extreme, hurtful, or impulsive. In the case of a conflict or disagreement with an individual, these people can lash out, yell, cry, or make life altering decisions. These individuals react in manners that seem excessive.
During stressful situations, instead of taking a moment to reflect and respond, they end up letting their emotions take over and use that to react in erratic ways. When someone is emotionally reactive, it can make their friends or romantic partners walk on eggshells, avoid bringing up issues, or feel intimidated by the person’s unpredictable responses.
Breaking Unhealthy Communication Patterns
Defensiveness, stonewalling, and emotional reactivity are all common defense mechanisms that can prevent effective conflict resolution. These mechanisms often develop early in life, influenced by the role models around us and the trauma we’ve experienced. However, it’s crucial to recognize that while these unhealthy communication patterns may have been formed in childhood or under circumstances beyond our control, as adults we have the power and responsibility to transform our communication style.
By becoming more self-aware, taking accountability, and intentionally practicing healthier ways to resolve conflict, we can begin to break free from these patterns. When breaking free from these patterns, we are then able to cultivate healthier long-term relationships and friendships.
3 Key Tips for Healthy Conflict Resolution:
To begin breaking free from unhealthy defense mechanisms, we need to begin replacing those behaviors with healthier ways of communication.
Three ways to resolve conflict effectively are to actively listen, use ‘I’ statements instead of ‘You’ statements, and take moments to yourself to cool down.
Active listening
Active listening involves hearing the other person out fully without interrupting to defend yourself. It’s about allowing them to express their thoughts and concerns without any pushback or defensive reactions. During active listening, focus on understanding the other person’s perspective rather than planning your response or defense. This requires calmness and self-reflection.
At first, it may be challenging to resist the urge to defend yourself while someone else speaks. However, over time, you’ll find that by letting go of defensiveness and truly listening, you create space for self-reflection. This helps you meet the person in the middle, fostering mutual understanding and smoother conflict resolution.
Use ‘I’ statements instead of ‘You’ statements
This way of communication allows you to communicate your feelings without making the other person feel blame. Usually when in a disagreement, we tend to use a lot of ‘You’ statements, such as :
“You don't care about me.”
“You are so disrespectful.”
“You are lazy.”
When we speak this way, it can sound like we target the person and their character, which has that person feeling attacked, irritated, and now ready to defend themselves instead of giving you any apology or reassurance you were previously seeking.
You can begin practicing to change these ‘You’ statements into ‘I’ statements, for example:
“I feel hurt when I sense a lack of attention during our conversations.”
“I feel disrespected when I experience being spoken to in a harsh manner.”
“I feel frustrated when I see tasks or responsibilities left unattended.”
Making the shift to this way of communicating requires intentional effort and self-awareness. Over time, by voicing your concerns using 'I' instead of 'You,' you will notice how disagreements become calmer, and how much easier it becomes to have your concerns heard and your needs met. People tend to respond more positively when they don't feel the need to first defend their character or integrity.
Cool Down
During escalated disagreements, our fight or flight response can get triggered, causing some individuals to act impulsively. This impulsive behavior, combined with the stress of the situation, may result in raising your voice, becoming aggressive, or saying hurtful things. This is when it becomes essential to practice taking a step back and cooling down.
In these moments, it's important to communicate with the other person that you need some time to yourself. Physically removing yourself from the disagreement will allow you to think more clearly, away from the stimulus triggering your fight or flight response. During this break, focus on calming down, breathing, and reflecting on the situation rationally. Once you feel more composed, you can return to the conflict with a clearer mind and calmer communication style.
How Cool Downs Differ from Stonewalling
A cool down period is different from stonewalling, which we discussed earlier. Taking time to cool down involves explicitly telling the other person that you need a moment to yourself and agreeing on a reasonable time frame to come back and address the issue.
Stonewalling, however, typically involves a lack of communication, where the person withdraws emotionally or physically without giving any indication of when, or even if, they will return to the conversation.
Moving Towards Healthier Communication
Every relationship or friendship will face conflict at some point. However, when resolved healthily, conflict can be an opportunity to deepen your bond.
The next time you find yourself in a disagreement, pay attention to the defense mechanism you instinctively react with. Ask yourself if there’s a different way to approach the situation.
By putting to rest the defense mechanisms we developed in childhood, we open the door to cultivating healthier communication habits, making it easier to resolve conflicts.
Active listening, using ‘I’ statements, and knowing when to take a moment to cool down are three key strategies for resolving conflict in a healthy manner, ultimately strengthening your relationships and preventing them from breaking apart.
